Why Don't They Write THIS in Books?
-You can get everything done in the shower in five minutes. I didn't say done well.
- although my husband may disagree, shaving only to my knee 4 out of 5 times still counts as shaving my legs
- when taking a shower while someone else watches your baby ( not just an exersaucer) it's very much like those trips to the salon/ spa I remember pre pregnancy.
- once your baby figures out how "cool" the bathroom is, it instantly becomes condemned and the door can never be opened without adult supervision.
- flushing the toilet and using toilet paper is a normal part of my life, to the baby, it is THE BEST TOY EVER!!!
- doing your hair or make-up becomes a weird paparazzi situation, where baby just stares at you forever wondering what the heck are you doing. then finally goes and gets into trouble
-babies don't understand privacy,forget to latch the bathroom door and he will come bustin through wanting to stand next to the toilet and touch you or beg to sit on your lap.
- babies do not understand why we grab them so fast and wash their hands immediately after we catch them playing in toilet water. To them, we are nuts.
- your babies head is actually a helmet, and it will be tested countless times on the kitchen floor, coffee table, and dining room chairs
- checking your babies pupils to make sure there isn't a concussion becomes normal
- no matter what the dr says, teeth and breastfeeding don't mix well
- anything plugged into the wall, electronic, expensive and breakable trumps any fancy or favorite toy your baby once had.
- babies are cruel to other babies, parents think its sooo cute for them to play together but it's a baby battlefield
- thinking about giving baby a nickname? Don't. My son will be 20 years old assuming his name is Boo Boo. Chances are he will have a yogi bear complex
- although I don't wish it in my worst enemy, during the cry it out phase/ everyday tantrums I almost grabbed my bible to see what it had to say on the subject of possession.
- separation anxiety brings out the whiniest baby, it reminds you of your mother saying " I hope your child is just like you"
- the feeling you get when your baby finally learns something you have been teaching them for days even weeks is comparable to the joy of your most favorite memory of all time
-building barriers to keep baby in a certain area using chairs, gates, boxes, and other random objects can take foooreevveerr, it usually only takes baby 3 minutes to figure out a way around them
- the dog needs to learn he is a toy, if not, get rid of him
- plant foliage and dirt are tasty, and when thrown up, smell the worst out of anything
- you may think your tough, but certain baby poop will break you
- a sick baby trumps any plans and breaks your heart, it takes about a billion hugs and kisses to heal it
- you will learn to live with a lot less money, and it makes you stronger, a better cook, and an all around genius when it comes to making cool baby toys, watch out Pinterest.
- dont cry over the loss of pre-baby intimacy with the hubby, rejoice in other ways to show your love and sneak away whenever you can
- my heart hurts for single moms/ dads
- the first week of my sons life was the most selfish I have ever been, baby blues and regret are normal and it goes away
- my husband needs to have a say in all things baby, except poop, he doesn't like poop
- feeding a baby solids is messy,I'm talking turnin' on a blender with grape juice in it without the cap messy, don't even think about saving to many of the 9-12 month clothes
- denture wearing silly old men from the grocery store can make your baby smile, old ladies freak them out and leave them smelling perfumey and musty
-bundling up a baby in winter and getting them in their carseat...impossible.
-if you have a boy, they will treat their "anatomy" as if it were removable.
- nothing is cuter then a gummy smile, until they get a one tooth smile
- according to a baby, socks are optional. Even in the dead of winter. They also double as a chew toy
- a naked baby= a super human baby, they crawl away faster, wiggle faster, and pee all over you before you even have time to blink. They are also the happiest
- the fourth trimester needs its own what to expect book. Can I get an AMEN!
- a grandparents love is furious, if something happened to you, they would be amazing stand-ins
- take hand me downs. It's not about being proud, save your money for making memories, they never remember the clothes they wore.
- its all cute when baby starts to find their voice, but they somehow know when the most dramatic part of a show is on
- peek a boo is an art, there is a fine line between silly and serial killer
- your already good lookin spouse is ten times hotter with your smiling baby in their arms
- family comes first, sorry but your not included in that, baby and spouse are before you
- restaurant high hairs are death traps for a wiggly baby , but the straps are always so gross
- picking your child's boogers is normal, until you notice the guy across the room staring at you, then you remember it might actually be a little disgusting
- you may rejoice when baby stops spitting up, only to be horrified to find how gross real throw up is, you'll be begging for spit up
- somehow, unbeknown to mankind, poop comes out of a butt and travels stealthily to back of neck
- daddy has to lay down the law, mommy deals with the bodily functions, both get paid in love and smiles, no complaining
- getting ready to go out for a 1 hour grocery shop must be carefully planned, feed, change diaper, pack up, drive= 30min ,shop= 10 of your finest shopping minutes, 20 min to re pack up and drive home. make lists.
- to others in line at the store you look like you're talking to yourself, to you you're talking to a tiny baby, what's wrong with that?
- breast pump= farmer John said, " sure if it works for cows, why not?" , also " sorry females, I hate you"
- nursing pads, boobie band aides?
- the box the cool new toy came in is better then the toy
- you call my baby boy a girl one more time and I am going to shove his blue shirt with a dinosaur on it, his blue pants with tough guy written on the leg, and his blue pacifier with a little monster on it, right up your nose!
- waiter,please stop asking if my obviously under 6 month old baby would like anything off the menu, pretty sure you know he doesn't.
- although I understand car seats need to be really safe, however they need not be as confusing as a rubix cube. I just wanna go to the store, not solve quadratic equations.
- I have a ton of questions, most of which can only be answered through experience, soooo that's annoying.
- consider drugging your baby been flying, a little Tylenol never hurt anyone, and other passengers won't get all scowly.
- I prefer going out with others who have babies that way when mine cries they give me the " we understand" look while everyone else is giving me the " shut that baby up look".. I used to give that look
- sometimes I stop and laugh at myself because I realize I have a diaper on my head, a pacifier in my mouth, socks on my hands, and I'm making a weird animal noises at my baby
- jeans are only worn out, never around the house, lounge pants work way better for crawling around
-at some point I had to say SIDS shimds, and let loose a little
-However, every time my son sleeps the entire night I still wake up frantic that he is not breathing, or stolen.
- BTW who steals kids anyways? Sickos
- my son peed all over my dress the day of my sisters wedding, I laughed. When did pee become funny?
- My sons name is Asher, my dogs name is Oliver, I frequently get them mixed up
-I talk about how much I want another one, and my husband keeps saying not now, but the day he says ok lets do it, I will probably throw up.
Most Importantly, the one thing I have learned in the last 9 months...
None of us know what it was like to be a baby, so as parents we must indulge, take pictures, live in the moment, remember the feelings, and always, keep being silly, no matter how ridiculous we may look. Oh and make sure to take off the old diaper and put on the new one fast.
